


I Could Give a Thousand Reasons Why

by Chaotic_Adventure



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Gay Relationship, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Henry Montague Sr.'s A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, I'm so sorry guys, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, why isn't that a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_Adventure/pseuds/Chaotic_Adventure
Summary: Four times Percy gave Monty reasons to live, and one time Monty returned them.





	I Could Give a Thousand Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write about my shy gay and disaster bi sons because I finally finished the first book and I didn't even know there were more until I got on here to read fanfic  
So I've gotta get the feels out of my system before I read the rest of the series  
Enjoy!  
~Chaos

**1**

Monty was hiding. He was under his bed, desperately holding back sobs as he listened to footsteps march back and forth in front of his door.  _ Please don’t come in, please don’t come in, please don’t– _

The door opened, and Monty squeezed himself deeper under his bed, shaking so badly he was certain his father would see it. If not, he would definitely hear Monty’s heaving breaths, and if even that escaped him, he would look under the bed and find him in seconds.

“Monty?”

Monty gasped, nearly letting out a sob. “Percy?”

“Monty, can you come out?”

Monty crawled out from under the bed to find Percy sitting against the door, holding it closed. He allowed himself to fall on the ground. He was exhausted and afraid–so very afraid–and he was too tired to run.

Percy grasped his hand, grounding him in reality, and only then noticed the bruises marring Monty’s face. “Monty, what happened? On my way up, your father asked–Monty!”

The boy in question flinched violently, pulling away from Percy. “No. No no no, I can’t tell you, I  _ can’t–” _

“Monty, I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on! Why was your father so angry? Why are you injured? Please, Monty, tell me!”

Monty could feel the tears coming back. “No, I can’t, you’ll leave, you’ll leave me, you’ll  _ leave–”  _ And then he was crying and Percy’s arms were around him and he felt like he might fall apart into a thousand pieces; shatter into so many parts that no one would be able to put him back together again. He was broken, and since he was already broken, he could tell Percy.

“Perce,” he whispered, “it was my father. I didn’t even do anything this time, he just decided he wanted to hurt me, and I thought it was him coming in when it was you and really–I mostly just want to die.” He sobbed, curling closer to Percy. “I’m just a burden; my father already doesn’t want me and soon you won’t, either.”

Percy drew a sharp breath. “No, Monty,” he said, words filled with worry. “No. You’re not a burden. Here, I’m gonna tell you five reasons to live. Okay?”

Monty nodded against Percy’s shoulder. He didn’t think this would help, but if it meant Percy would talk to him, he would listen.

Percy ran a hand through Monty’s hair. “One. Without you, there’d be no one for me to nag about going out late. Two, you still have your Tour to look forward to, and you can’t die before it happens or you won’t get to enjoy it. Three, no one would love Felicity–”

“I don’t love Felicity,” Monty murmured.

“Yes, you do,” Percy said, a smile peeking out. “Four, your father is hosting a party soon, and if you weren’t there, it wouldn’t be nearly as chaotic as it should. And five, there would be many,  _ many  _ ladies left lonely if you died. So don’t. Okay?”

“And lads,” Monty said drowsily.

“Yes, and lads.” Percy kissed him on the forehead. “See? There are so many reasons to live.”

Monty pulled just far enough away from Percy so that he could see him and smiled softly. “Okay. Okay, Perce. Thank you for… talking to me.”

Percy laughed. “No, Monty, thank  _ you.  _ For listening.”

They talked and laughed for a time before falling asleep, Monty wrapped in Percy’s arms. He felt safe.

**2**

Percy found Monty standing in front of a mirror, staring emotionlessly at his arms.

“Monty? What’s wrong?”

Monty whipped around, then turned back when he realized it was Percy. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine. Please, tell me?”

“No.”

Percy grabbed his hand. “Monty. Do you trust me?”

Monty drew a sharp breath. “Yes, but–”

“It’s okay. I’d never judge you for what you’re feeling,  _ ever.” _ He meant it. Percy would stand by his best friend through anything, no matter how dangerous it may be.

Monty’s voice was harsher when he said, “fine. Fine, Perce. I desperately want to harm myself and I’m trying extremely hard not to, only it’s incredibly difficult, and I also very much want to die.”

Percy wrapped his arms around Monty from behind, and Monty leaned into him, taking as much comfort as he could. “Here,” Percy murmured. “Five reasons to live. Five reasons to not want to be dead. Okay?”

Monty nodded.

“One. You promised to go into town with me next week, and you need to show up or I’ll be forced to go by myself, and that would be terrible for all parties involved–that is to say, me and the girl that tries to hit on me, who will not be getting a date, as you know. Two, your Tour is in a month and I get to come with, and you have to be here to enjoy it with me, or I wouldn’t get to go anywhere. It would be very sad, really. Three, no one would be left to love Felicity–”

“I don’t love Felicity,” Monty said, a faint smile on his face. “I hate her.”

“You love her; don’t even try to deny it. Four,” Percy continued, “no one would want to listen to my violin playing, and that would be quite the tragedy, really. I’m a musical genius, after all. And five, I think I would rather miss you. It would make me very sad if you were gone. So don’t die, okay? Live.”

Monty turned around and hugged Percy properly. “Okay. Okay, I–thank you, Perce.”

“No, Monty, thank  _ you.” _

**3**

It had been a long time since Monty’s last relapse. Well, since the last relapse that Percy knew about, anyway, and he liked to think he knew about all of them. He didn’t want to think about Monty alone, struggling to think of reasons to live while his own mind fought against him. He didn’t want to think that had happened–and if it had, he needed to do anything he could to prevent it from happening again.

That’s why, when he woke up to Monty crying, he immediately turned over in bed to hug him. 

“Monty, what’s wrong?”

Monty made a kind of choking sound and relaxed against Percy. “I… I’m thinking too much. It’s come back and I can’t get rid of it. I thought–I thought I could do it on my own. I  _ wanted _ to do it on my own. But I failed, and now it’s back, and I  _ can’t.” _

“You didn’t fail, and you can.” Percy squeezed him gently. “Here are five reasons to live. One.” He poked Monty in the stomach, teasing a slight laugh through the tears. “Even though our Tour has gone slightly wrong, we are still together and we are all alive, and I want to spend this time with you before I must leave for Holland. Two: there are lovely sights to see tomorrow, only you must be here to see them or they will disappear into the night–don’t even try to argue with me on this one, I know it’s true. Three, someone has to love Felicity–”

“I don’t love Felicity,” Monty said, mostly just to hear Percy’s response.

“You  _ do  _ love Felicity,” Percy chastised, a grin on his face. “Fourthly, there are thousands of people out there you haven’t yet seduced, and it would be a terrible loss indeed if you never did, especially that boy at the bank–don’t think I didn’t see that, by the way. And five–”

“I didn’t seduce him,” Monty objected, turning around to argue. “I simply–”

“Seduced him,” Percy finished, leaving Monty struggling to come up with another answer. “Number five. You’re my best friend, and I do not want to find a new one. Felicity just won’t cut it, no matter how lovely she acts. I need  _ you,  _ Monty, so you have to live, okay?”

“Okay.” Monty settled back down, leaning into Percy’s embrace. “I don’t know what I would do without you, Perce.”

Percy kissed him lightly on the head. “Thank you, Monty, for listening. For trying. I know it’s hard, and I also know you can do it.”

Monty gave a breathless laugh. “I… thank you, Percy. Thank you for believing in me.”

**4**

Monty’s energy level was past active, nearing frantic. He had been kidnapped, he was being held captive, and he was going to put Percy in danger because of it.

He needed to die. More than that–he  _ wanted  _ to die. He didn’t want Percy to endanger himself for him–he wasn’t worth that, and he needed Percy to know. But no matter how much he wished otherwise, Percy showed up anyway. Monty was shot anyway. He survived anyway.

He couldn’t deny the feeling of freedom that flew through his mind when he was shot. He wished he could, of course, but he wanted it too much to pretend otherwise. It had been over, for a few seconds, and he yearned for that feeling again.

When he opened his eyes and saw Percy, the first words out of his mouth were, “Perce, I want to die.”

Percy was crying, and Monty suddenly felt like an absolute sod, but Percy wrapped his arms around him and whispered, “five reasons to live.”

Monty clung to Percy like he was the only thing keeping him alive, and in a way, he  _ was.  _ The fear of the past few days was finally catching up to him, and he suddenly found that he couldn’t breathe. “Five reasons,” Monty whispered. “How can you think of five? I can’t even think of  _ one.” _

“Oh, Monty.” Percy held him tighter. “For one, you’re alive. You could’ve died, but you didn’t, and you can’t leave us now or all our hard work would have been for nothing. Two, I can’t scandalize your father with all our adventures without you–that would most definitely defeat the point. Three, Felicity–”

“I don’t love Felicity,” Monty said, almost laughing, but not quite getting there. “I hate Felicity.”

“You love Felicity, and besides, you didn’t even let me finish.” Percy pulled Monty’s head into his shoulder, trying to give him as much comfort as he could. “Four, then. You haven’t yet said hello to Scipio, and I think he would rather like to speak to you. And five, I love you, you sod. I need you in my life. If you died, I’d die, too.”

Monty pushed his face into Percy’s jacket, trying to hide the blush that was spreading across his face, as well as the tears he knew were coming. “You don’t mean that,” he mumbled.

Percy rested his head on top of Monty’s. “Yes, I do. And if it takes you actually almost dying for me to tell you, I suppose that’s what it’s come to. Monty, I love you. I have for years.”

The tears were coming; Monty had been right. This couldn’t be real. “You… if this is a joke, Perce, I–I can’t joke about this right now, okay? I just–”

“Monty, I mean it.”

And suddenly, Monty was sobbing into Percy’s jacket, and Percy was holding him close and promising he’d never let go.

**+1**

At the end of a long work day, Percy usually felt tired, maybe a bit irritated. That was normal. What  _ wasn’t _ normal was the crushing guilt and sadness that accosted him on his way home. Nor was the sudden need to slump and never get up again, nor the complete inability to think.

He didn’t know how to deal with any of it. The only thing he knew was that he couldn’t tell Monty.

So he didn’t.

***

“Percy, are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Percy muttered. He wasn’t fine, but the point was to keep Monty from knowing, and it was working so far.

Monty was worried, to say the least. “Are you not feeling well? Do you think you’re going to have a fit, or–”

“I’m  _ fine, _ Henry!”

Immediately, Monty flinched, and Percy clapped his hands over his mouth.

The room was silent for far too long.

“I’m sorry,” Percy eventually whispered. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just–I’m–” He broke off, frustrated. “I don’t know!”

Monty sat down next to him on their small couch. “Try to explain it. I can’t help you if I don’t know what you’re feeling, Perce.”

“I know.” He did know that, at least. He could remember every single time he had been helpless, holding Monty as he cried but unable to do any more. “I know. I just… I don’t know  _ what _ I’m feeling. It’s just bad, Monty. It’s bad, and I want–I wanted–” He began to shake, and Monty pulled him closer, helping him in the only thing he could. This was impossibly hard for Percy to say–he wondered how Monty had done it so many times. He found himself opening and closing his mouth, no sound coming out.

“It’s okay,” Monty said, kissing Percy’s forehead. “Take your time. It’s okay. I know how hard it is.”

Percy sniffled and leaned into Monty. “Thank you.”

They sat there for a long time.

Eventually, Percy spoke. “I want to die, Monty.”

Monty didn’t react at all the way Percy expected. He thought he might jump up, or shove him away, or, worse, condemn him. But Monty just held him tighter and whispered, “it’s okay.”

“Okay? It’s not okay! Monty, I don’t think you heard what I said!”

“Perce, what do you always say to me when I say I want to die?”

Percy had to think about it. “I… I give you reasons to live.”

“And do you tell me it’s not okay?”

“No, of course not–”

“So why is it any different now?”

Percy opened his mouth to retaliate, then froze. “I… I don’t know. It just is.”

Monty combed a hand through Percy’s hair. “It’s not, Perce. That’s how it felt to me, too, but it’s not any different. Five reasons to live, okay?”

“Okay.”

Monty smiled gently. “One. Tomorrow is our day off, and I will not allow you to miss it, for I have grand plans for us, which may or may not involve massive amounts of chocolate cake. Two, it’s nearly Christmas; Felicity’s visiting, and if you weren’t there, I would have to deal with her all by myself. Speaking of Felicity, if you died, there’d be no one but me left that loves her–”

“Ew,” Percy said, half-laughing and half-crying. “I do  _ not _ love Felicity.”

“Don’t deny it, come on! She’s like a sister to you, too.” Monty grinned. “Four, you have an awesome job playing violin for rich people, and they’re all looking forward to your performance on Saturday–so am I, by the way, so you have to be there. And five, I love you, Perce. I love you  _ so  _ much. If you died, I would die, too, so don’t.”

Percy laughed and fell into Monty’s arms. “Monty, I love you, too. Thank you. It’s like… you knew exactly what I needed to hear.”

“I did. Remember?” Monty kissed Percy gently on the forehead. “I’ve heard it from you so many times; I just repeated it all back. You did the hard work there. And trust me, it gets better.”

“I believe you.”

They sat there for the rest of the night, listing thousands of reasons to live.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave a kudos, leave a comment if you're feeling particularly emotional (I know I was while writing this) and have a wonderful day!


End file.
